| On Disappointment, Rejection & Heartbreak |
[Sep. 24th, 2009|08:56 pm] |
What do I feel?
In the aftermath, of course there is the immediate knee-jerk reaction. Whiplash. Anger, fear, hatred, pain, all the things to make you a good sith... Well, no. I'm not really like that.
To be sure, there's a lot of the five stages of grief and bargaining and denial and that sort of thing, but after a while you settle into a long-run supply curve for depression. (for those not fervently mugging economics: initially high levels of depression, gradually sliding down into a constant medium level of general depression).
It's not like after the Event*, after the rejection and disappointment and heartbreak you suddenly hate the thing or entirely lose affections for it...well, alright, sometimes it happens. But sometimes else, affections persist beyond.
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*good bye David Eddings#. We will miss you and your tvtropes dealing of fantasy. would've liked to read your seminal work, but...
#Yes, "the Event" is a reference to Mr Eddings.
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Things are such that, having failed at it, or at least having failed the first time, your convictions, your affections, are certainly challenged. And admittedly even now things are awkward between me and frisbee. For all the time and effort and love and energy I've invested, I've not really gained a whole lot (and let's not get started on that brief rendezvous with Rag Dance. In the name of the sacred blue, that was an entirely unrequited fiasco.)
You are disappointed. You are sad. You lose the incredible surety that yes, this is what you like, what you love, what you want, and what you want around you for the rest of your life. But it's not like it's going to stop you loving it. You're just a little (a lot) more unsure, is all. A little pensive, a little tentative, a little awkward...
It's not like I'm not naturally awkward. (in fact I'm so far naturally awkward I'm unnaturally awkward, one could say).
As the great philosopher Jagger once said, You can't always get what you want. I tried, I got it, I lost it, it happens. Que sera sera, what will be will be. And what gives me the strength to go on is the egotistical thought that all is not lost, and I may have another chance in future, or that I may get better in future, or that ... I know the law of large numbers hates me, but even the law of large numbers is subject to the law of large numbers, and one day, something will happen defying probability...
I'm not happy, but everything I've loved or still love - frisbee and life are two that come to the front of my mind shouting loudly waving their receipts - never really rewarded me. For all the time and energy and effort that I put in, I, to paraphrase once again the venerable Jagger, can't get no satisfaction out of it.
If they taught me anything, it is that things are entirely unfair, and that for most of my existence - for my life, my frisbee, and most things I love - I love an unrequited, unrewarding, illogical love. And curiously it is this requisition I require.
It's unhealthy, it's unhappy, it's a terrible existence, I know. But it's what I've become, and my ego must once again save me if I am to survive (after all, as my other blog would put it: cogito, ego sum).
And then, maybe someday, deep in time, things will go my way... |
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