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cryptic bullshit late at night means: EMOTIONS! [May. 3rd, 2012|02:20 am]
To thine ownself be true; I am a simple man. I like simple things.

Things I understand, and so things I can control. Nothing that is so complex that it does not become me, no pretensions or aspirations or airs: that is simply not true.

I've often talked about wanting to be a farmer. Sometimes I do think I was born in the wrong century - things are too complicated. Simplicity, understanding, truth.

.

I like umbrellas.

Don't get me wrong, I get umbrellas, and I have been saved from many an ailment by one. But there is something visceral and empowering, about walking out into the rain.

People all hide under shelters and avoid the rain like they're Green and Wicked, like water will melt them -- it will their shoes, as mine own pair were ruined before. But there's something visceral about walking out into the rain, and into puddles, and looking up defiantly into the sky when all others are cuddling.

This is the feeling: I am strong enough not to catch a cold. I am powerful enough that I will resist the molly-coddling. I am not cowed by the rain.

I am not afraid of the rain.

.

But perhaps, too often, people have umbrellas in the head, shielding them from thinking.
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Misgivings on Misreadings [May. 1st, 2012|10:25 pm]
Robert A. Heinlein wrote Starship Troopers. I saw the TV animation and thought, "Cool, future space soldiers vs aliens." The book was almost unrelated to but at least inspired the Movie, which was turned out to become a story of War played out as farce. The message was that war was stupid, desperate and hypocritical.

The public saw guns and explosions and shooting down alien bug armies. There were two straight-to-DVD LETS SHOOT BUGS sequels.

Chuck Palahniuk wrote Fight Club. I thought "Cool, fighting people." We've all seen the book and much of the movie. I don't think people understood the book.

I just finished Strauss' The Game.

I don't think people understood the book.
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(no subject) [Apr. 23rd, 2012|08:08 pm]
you're unemployable,

you're unemployable...

Is what they sang to a manager who got sacked the next day (after relegating Hull).

Wait.


I'm unemployable,

I'm unemployable~
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we live and we learn [Feb. 5th, 2012|12:16 am]
[Tags|]

everybody lies.

I've paid dearly for this lesson, but then I was reluctant myself to learn it anyway.


my heart's a stereo...
turn me off when you don't need me.
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(no subject) [Jan. 29th, 2012|11:50 pm]
En Motion: the Dancer's Dance Studio; the Hall of my Humility (and Humbling).
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twenty, thirty years later - [Jan. 24th, 2012|10:54 pm]
"All happy families are alike, and each unhappy family unhappy in its own way."

All life is learning; all life is a lesson.

Today I learnt a lesson. I know now what I must do.

First; I must buy a house. Sizable, most importantly accessible. What's important is a hall, big enough to put several mahjong tables in. Ideally there should be a small corner (near the sofas) for the toddlers and children; a balcony-garden for the kids to scamper about and giggle in, and space big enough for annoying uncles to sit and smoke and drink and win money off you.

It's too much to hope that they won't smoke; it'll reek and I'll have to repaint the ceiling.

Second, a large table. I have a thing for large round ones - you can always squeeze more - but long tables are fine too. What's important is that it can fit at least two, ideally three big vats of boiling soup, laden with squared cabbages and golden mushrooms and fishballs and meatballs and cuttlefishballs and prawnballs and slices of pork belly, pork bacon, and chicken meat. And lots and lots and lots of cabbage.

A big rice-cooker, with two scoops. And lots of plastic cups and spoons and forks and chopsticks, of course.

Two huge ice-coolers of ice. And beer. And Yeo's. But not Coke, it's bad for health.

At least five decks of poker cards (one for the kids, and a couple for the adults - gamblers'll want to change decks when they feel their luck is not so good). Two tables of mahjong and two sets of tiles. No chips - pure money. And an iPod dock for the kids to DJ, and iPads for the toddlers, and a flatscreen HDTV for the baby-sitting aunts.

Ang Pao and food and drinks and plastic chairs and seats for all. And more than a couple of fans, to cool the whole place down while everybody makes themselves comfortable.

And a week before that day, I'll march into Ikea and buy a door-stopper, proudly.

On that day, my door will be open all day. And there will always be food. And pity the woman I marry, who must help me prepare all the food.

The door will be open, a light shining from inside, the sounds of a happy - large - overfed family inside.

I don't have too many cousins and won't have relatives remaining, but I'll invite my friends, the neighbours and the in-laws.

My wish, for twenty, thirty years later.

= = =

Today I went to send cookies to my aunt. She raised me as a child, when my parents were both busy working. I went to a school near her place in her neighbourhood, and she brought me home from school and raised me. One day I walked home from school, remembering the way; she freaked out and nearly flayed the skin off my back. The next day onwards she let me walk home.

She fought with my mother over some small trifling matter. We don't talk to her any more. Sometime last year, though, there was a minor tragedy or other. And my mother decided to make a peace offering - the little boy she raised, all grown up.

But enough of my family's intrigues; today I learnt what a proper family dinner is like.

Happy chinese new year.
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dying: a new perspective [Jan. 16th, 2012|02:46 pm]
after the worst has happened,

everything is bright, and nothing can hurt (more)
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what a difference a day makes [Jan. 16th, 2012|09:29 am]
twenty-four little hours...


Boys;

All the good ones are taken. You may be slow but the others are not stupid; all the good ones are taken, and good luck if you find a new one.

Keep her; beware and be wary.

And if - bad luck from you! - you walk with one, and she steps into the room, and all the men turn to look at her...

And if you feel yourself strangely taut, her deft fingers and words and gestures and meanings playing gently upon your heartstrings like harp-strings, making you purr and whine and cry and hum alternately...

Good luck to you, boy. And run far, far away.
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never forget [Jan. 14th, 2012|11:00 pm]
There are some things I would like never to forget.



I never want to forget this sapping feeling of impotence

Despondent heart, empty desire

This weakness of willing spirit and flesh



I never want to forget that rush of blood everywhere

To my cheeks as you press your nose against mine

To my lips as I bring them to yours in surprise



I never want to forget that feeling of dread and darkness

Bone-weary, heart-hurting, all strength and joy gone

Put away the stars and turn out the lights


I never want to forget this dizzy feeling of exhilaration

The rush that comes from performance

The lights and glamour and roar of applause



I never want to forget the feeling of inadequacy

The knowledge and awareness that I am not good enough

And the clarity of purpose to know how to become good enough



I never want to forget this feeling of determination

This commitment and promise to myself to work harder, ever harder

To give everything to become greater.

To become good enough, strong enough, great enough.



...to make you rue.















I promise to write this up later.
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in case of emergency [Jan. 1st, 2012|08:36 pm]
If God had a face what
Would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe...?


We must not forget ourselves in our conceit. Too often, I think, we forget the original intentions and reasoning for our actions, and when that is forgotten we go through the motions, and that will lead to people doing things for the sake of doing things, without thinking, and this is one of the main criticisms of religion, lest we forget.

"I have no problem with God, it's his fan club I can't stand." In the battle between religion and atheism, this is one of the main rallying cries. Lest we forget, when we talk about not believing in gods, in Theos, we're mainly, mostly talking about that one particular God we're opposed to and don't believe in. We're opposed to that particular one God that doesn't exist, and the huge religious following that does, because of many reasons, but mostly because we see Him being used as the means to justify the ends of Man, or the heinous hypocrisy practiced in his organised following. We're opposed because we've met enough bastards who don't practice what they preach, or preach such hurtful, hateful things that we know, we know, deep inside, that this is wrong, and we must fight it. We know, without need to refer to any holy book, that this must be wrong.

So when we fight, we must remember what we fight for. We fight against Religious agendas masquerading under secular pretensions of Science, we fight against Religious interests hindering the due processes of law and interfering with the just rule of society. We fight against practiced indifference, and ignorance, and intentional stupidity most of all; we fight against blind beliefs in repeated mantras that would guide minds astray from their own common sense and judgment and humanity. We fight against selfishness, and brinkmanship, and foolish, stone-headed devotion that can be so easily manipulated and used in the false, unjust cause of terror and freedom. We fight against people who derive their morality from religion, and cast justification - blame - reasoning - all at the feet of the One they worship, who cannot be infallible. We fight against people shirking responsibility for their actions, in the name of religion.

We have no truck with rational, thinking religious folk. In fact we would happily accept a lift, and share a beer, and talk about the finer aspects of cathedral or the wondrous melodies of hymns. And we will good-naturedly proselytize them, just as they would not hesitate to convert us.

But a rational argument cannot prove God; and caveat - a rational argument cannot disprove God either. By definition, He is outside the realm of human imagining. So be it. I can neither prove nor disprove the existence of Russell's Teapot nor The Flying Spaghetti Monster (who hath touched me with his noodly appendage) nor God. Arguing doesn't get anywhere except show who is more eloquent and cultured in debate; and frankly that counts for fuck all in a debate about Higher Beings or if they exist.

We must remember that if we do see god, or gods, or God, if we did look upon his face, then there is nothing left to argue. Atheism is immediately disproven if we did look upon the face of god - He's right there! He exists. Praise be to him. Were we to see his face, we must put down our weapons and give up the fight.

But once again I call you to remember what fight we must give up. We are giving up the causes of Atheism - there clearly is a god, our argument is invalidated. But we must still fight for what we fight for. Against uncommon greed, gathered in the name of a higher purpose; against foolish exaltations and promises that deny medical treatments; against the charlatans and schemers and liars and serpents who would point the devout at unjust causes and groom young ones astray for their own dark purposes. 

This must even now be our fight, without absolute proof or disproof of God. We are not opposed against Religion, only against Cults.



I don't know why, but I just wanted to say this. I am not one for Pascal's Wager, but I'll Wager he would approve of this.

Elysium, of the golden fields, was offered for valiant warriors who proved themselves worthy but were not particularly religious or in the wrong religion or simply never got to hear of the religion. I'd much like to go there, thank you - I hear Saladdin is particularly good at Chess, and I'd love to watch Einstein and Feynman together.

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